The Celtic Storm: GIVE ME THAT GODDAMNED FISH!

GIVE ME THAT GODDAMNED FISH!

I freaking love curling. Behind hockey, it’s my second favorite Olympic sport. And yes, it’s a sport. The same as beer pong is a sport. I’ve heard people say it’s not a sport because you can drink beer while playing. You drink beer while playing baseball. You could probably go through a six pack an inning it’s so fucking slow. Hell, you could drink and play any sport. I didn’t say play well, but you could participate. Then I heard it’s not a sport if you have to use a broom. That doesn’t make sense either. Have you seen some of the retarded shit they use in other sports. A baseball bat is a broom handle. And golf clubs? What the fuck are those about? Curling is a legitimate sport. That Americans apparently suck at. Have they even won a match yet? I thought I heard they lost to Zimbabwe. Where the fuck in Zimbabwe can they practice curling?

Speaking of the Olympics, is there anything better than Olympic hockey? There’s like 9 teams of All Stars. And there’d be 10 if the Olympic committee listened to me and let Canada field two teams. And be sure they could. The only problem is the Canada versus Canada gold medal games would have no suspense. But what of Team USA? I’ll tell you what, I like this team. USA Hockey finally did what they always said they would. They started using a young, energetic roster. Because if I would’ve had to see 50 year old Chris Chelios donning the US jersey this year, I would’ve screamed. The team is bigger, physical and the fourth line isn’t too much removed talent wise from the first. No stars, but lots of good players. Not many people are predicting them to medal. I think they will.

Okay, I don’t know the guys name who died during a practice run of the luge, but I have an issue with it. The guy talked to his father at one point and said the track scared him, especially the turn he died on. So after he tragically dies, the Olympic committee says nothing was wrong with the track, that it was the mans error that lead to the mans death. Here’s my problem, after the tragedy, they shut down the track and the luge committee began investigating. It led to them making alterations to the track. Now, if there was nothing wrong, and simply a human error, why did they make alterations to the track? First off, they should be smarter than to make a comment like that. The family has already lost their son, now the people who made alterations to the track are blaming him? That’s the type of shit that would make me call a lawyer.

So did anyone miss me? Don’t lie, you fuckers. I do owe a special thank you to my best friend, Alayna. Alayna and I were returning from dinner, when another car hit us head on. I was in the passenger seat, where Alaynas eight year old daughter usually sits. So the airbag had been disabled on that side. My friends and I used to go out and invent drinks and call them funny names like a “bloody hole in the windshield”. I now have drank one and made one. Needless to say, Alayna sat with me in the hospital, more often than not, in tears. Despite her car being totaled and not being able to get to work in Cincinnatti, she spent her time holding my hand. So thank you to her.

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday (at least that’s what someone told me), so I guess I have to figure out what I’m giving up this year. But I don’t know the rules as I never had formal religious training growing up. After my mother disappeared when I was six years old, I didn’t step foot in a church for twenty years. God and I didn’t see eye to eye for some time, and sometimes, still don’t. But can I give up something funny? Or will God smite me? If I give up, say, not having unprotected sex with morally questionable women, he’s gonna be mad, huh? Or I will be mad when it burns when I pee. So I can’t give up something that would contradict the Bible, right? This is why religion is so hard, they always want you to do the right thing. So I need something to give up. I’m pretty much coming up with nothing. I’m certainly not giving up sex. There’s a little bartender I’ve been working on. Wait, can I give up not dating bartenders? Because that’s a rule of mine! HA! I found a loop in catholithism! It’s just like Dogma! And how long is this for? This whole lent thing? A week? Two? When it’s over, do I have to revert to my former rule? Or can I stay as I am? You religious people have some wacky rules.

My favorite commercial in the history of commercials has returned! The McDonalds singing fish commercial. If I could get that singing fish on a loop, I would listen all damned day. IT’S A SINGING FISH, YOU PRICKS! Actually, the reason I love it is because the song is one that gets in your head and stays for some time. So I had this one girlfriend who despised it. So, me being the loving boyfriend I was, I’d text message her “GIVE ME THAT FILLET OF FISH! GIVE ME THAT FISH!” pretty much every day when she was at work. So the song would start in her head and not stop until she got to my place to scream at me. It’s a cute, little memory of different times, but I’d seriously listen to it all fucking day if I could.

I’ve gotten a lot of work done during my lock up in my room on medication. Sometimes things sound like I wrote them when as high as a junkie with a hundred dollar hat. Mostly because of the medication I got when they sent me home. I don’t react well to pain medication, in fact, I rarely take it, but when you were close to going through a windshield, you need something. Any ways, parts of the book are done and I want some proof reading done. Any volunteers? There’s a “Contact Me” at the top of the page with ways to get a hold of me.

I think I figured out why bad shit happens to me. I was rewriting The DUI Chronicles, Part One, when I figured it out. Karma. Think about it, I drove my car, through signs and barrels, into an active construction site. Shitfuck drunk. In front of a cop, in Manchester, at 3 in the morning. And the cop let me go. Had my girlfriend come pick me up. I did quite possibly the dumbest thing ever, drink and drive, and the guy let me go. I lucked out. Now it’s back to take it’s good luck back. It’s incredible. It actually makes sense. So now, I get a great job, that I like. And a week later I’m in a car wreck. Think about it. And if you think I was drinking… I was dead broke. A few people were aware of this. HA!

Speaking of the Olympics, is there anything better than Olympic hockey? There’s like 9 teams of All Stars. And there’d be 10 if the Olympic committee listened to me and let Canada field two teams. And be sure they could. The only problem is the Canada versus Canada gold medal games would have no suspense. But what of Team USA? I’ll tell you what, I like this team. USA Hockey finally did what they always said they would. They started using a young, energetic roster. Because if I would’ve had to see 50 year old Chris Chelios donning the US jersey this year, I would’ve screamed. The team is bigger, physical and the fourth line isn’t too much removed talent wise from the first. No stars, but lots of good players. Not many people are predicting them to medal. I think they will.

Okay, I don’t know the guys name who died during a practice run of the luge, but I have an issue with it. The guy talked to his father at one point and said the track scared him, especially the turn he died on. So after he tragically dies, the Olympic committee says nothing was wrong with the track, that it was the mans error that lead to the mans death. Here’s my problem, after the tragedy, they shut down the track and the luge committee began investigating. It led to them making alterations to the track. Now, if there was nothing wrong, and simply a human error, why did they make alterations to the track? First off, they should be smarter than to make a comment like that. The family has already lost their son, now the people who made alterations to the track are blaming him? That’s the type of shit that would make me call a lawyer.

So did anyone miss me? Don’t lie, you fuckers. I do owe a special thank you to my best friend, Alayna. Alayna and I were returning from dinner, when another car hit us head on. I was in the passenger seat, where Alaynas eight year old daughter usually sits. So the airbag had been disabled on that side. My friends and I used to go out and invent drinks and call them funny names like a “bloody hole in the windshield”. I now have drank one and made one. Needless to say, Alayna sat with me in the hospital, more often than not, in tears. Despite her car being totaled and not being able to get to work in Cincinnatti, she spent her time holding my hand. So thank you to her.

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday (at least that’s what someone told me), so I guess I have to figure out what I’m giving up this year. But I don’t know the rules as I never had formal religious training growing up. After my mother disappeared when I was six years old, I didn’t step foot in a church for twenty years. God and I didn’t see eye to eye for some time, and sometimes, still don’t. But can I give up something funny? Or will God smite me? If I give up, say, not having unprotected sex with morally questionable women, he’s gonna be mad, huh? Or I will be mad when it burns when I pee. So I can’t give up something that would contradict the Bible, right? This is why religion is so hard, they always want you to do the right thing. So I need something to give up. I’m pretty much coming up with nothing. I’m certainly not giving up sex. There’s a little bartender I’ve been working on. Wait, can I give up not dating bartenders? Because that’s a rule of mine! HA! I found a loop in catholithism! It’s just like Dogma! And how long is this for? This whole lent thing? A week? Two? When it’s over, do I have to revert to my former rule? Or can I stay as I am? You religious people have some wacky rules.

My favorite commercial in the history of commercials has returned! The McDonalds singing fish commercial. If I could get that singing fish on a loop, I would listen all damned day. IT’S A SINGING FISH, YOU PRICKS! Actually, the reason I love it is because the song is one that gets in your head and stays for some time. So I had this one girlfriend who despised it. So, me being the loving boyfriend I was, I’d text message her “GIVE ME THAT FILLET OF FISH! GIVE ME THAT FISH!” pretty much every day when she was at work. So the song would start in her head and not stop until she got to my place to scream at me. It’s a cute, little memory of different times, but I’d seriously listen to it all fucking day if I could.

I’ve gotten a lot of work done during my lock up in my room on medication. Sometimes things sound like I wrote them when as high as a junkie with a hundred dollar hat. Mostly because of the medication I got when they sent me home. I don’t react well to pain medication, in fact, I rarely take it, but when you were close to going through a windshield, you need something. Any ways, parts of the book are done and I want some proof reading done. Any volunteers? There’s a “Contact Me” at the top of the page with ways to get a hold of me.

I think I figured out why bad shit happens to me. I was rewriting The DUI Chronicles, Part One, when I figured it out. Karma. Think about it, I drove my car, through signs and barrels, into an active construction site. Shitfuck drunk. In front of a cop, in Manchester, at 3 in the morning. And the cop let me go. Had my girlfriend come pick me up. I did quite possibly the dumbest thing ever, drink and drive, and the guy let me go. I lucked out. Now it’s back to take it’s good luck back. It’s incredible. It actually makes sense. So now, I get a great job, that I like. And a week later I’m in a car wreck. Think about it. And if you think I was drinking… I was dead broke. A few people were aware of this. HA!